Breaking Down Walls
by lostinthemoment11
Summary: Hestia Jones pays a long delayed visit to a friend in St Mungo's, although she is strong on the outside has Hestia really come to terms with the ways that both wars have changed her as a person? Talking to a friend really can reveal secrets you have been hiding from yourself


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, I'm not J.K Rowling**

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She tried to avoid this place as much as possible. The white walls were almost threatening to her and the portraits of dead witches and wizards did nothing to brighten the mood. For Hestia it just made everything worse, those healers were dead and so were most of her friends. For the last few years coming to St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries meant coming to watch a friend or a family member die. Although today she was not here for that purpose, in fact the purpose for which she was here today could be considered worse.

She felt guilty as she headed down the all too familiar corridor; she hadn't walked this hall in at least three years now although visits to the hospital had been frequent during the war which had come to a dramatic end only a few months before. This walk was a common one before that time, even with her busy job at the Daily Prophet she used to come to the hospital after work or on a Sunday solely for this purpose. To see this person. To visit a friend from the past.

She took a deep breath and pushed open the wood door, greeting the healer at the station at the entrance to the ward only made her feel worse. She commented that she hadn't seen Hestia in a few years making her feel guiltier than she had before. The feeling was what had made her reluctant to come in the weeks, months and years that had gone before. First it was the war making her busy, then it was the fact that her mind had started to link the hospital to the death of love ones and she couldn't bear to think about losing anyone else, finally the guilt kicked in, she realised she hadn't paid a visit to the hospital in years and she had to spend a while mustering up the courage to swallow her pride and pay her friend a visit.

Courage was never Hestia's strong point. She was brave, yes; she had been in the Order of the Phoenix during both wars, she fought in the Battle of Hogwarts, she had guarded Harry Potter and she had survived because she was a smart and strong woman…but she was not courageous, these were just events, they weren't personal to her. She couldn't comprehend that people could even think for a second she was courageous-she never married because she was scared of getting hurt and being left alone, she tried to avoid grand parties and balls in fear of embarrassing herself or making a scene, even down to visiting her best friend.

Not that her best friend would realise that she hadn't visited, the healers said that she didn't know anyone, didn't remember anything, but Hestia had decided that they couldn't be certain as she couldn't speak. Maybe it made her feel better to think that the girl she once knew was still inside the shell of a woman who lay still in the hospital bed, that all her friends weren't lost, that she wasn't alone. That someone remembered the old Hogwarts days too, the teenage angst and drama before the outside world invaded and took all of the innocence away, that someone else remembered all the moments that she did.

This time she reached the hospital bed, this time there was no turning back as she sat down in the seat next to her friend who turned to look at her and held out her tiny left hand, Hestia took hold and squeezed as tears threatened to flood out of her eyes as the familiar gesture made her mind wonder back to all of the visits before, she thought that maybe the visits before were the reason that she was so scared to return and that maybe it wasn't a matter of courage or time between visits but maybe it was that talking to her friend tended to reveal things that Hestia avoided thinking about.

"Hey Allie" she said in a quiet voice "It's been a long time" she continued taking a deep breath before she started on her conversation ready to confess to Alice Longbottom all of the thoughts which had been building up in her head "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've not been around so much. I know you might not have noticed, but then again you might have done. I just feel like such a bad person you know how I put myself under pressure. Gwenog, my niece, you might remember her; she's just retired from Quidditch. She played for the Holyhead Harpies, the captain no less, it feels strange saying she's retired in her thirties and I'm still here slaving at The Prophet at the same old job I've had since I was eighteen. Speaking of eighteen, Megan has just turned eighteen she was in the same year as Neville…she was a Hufflepuff though, I'm not sure if they'd have known each other-I'm sure you know Neville was a Gryffindor. You might not want to hear about it Allie, but he was so brave in the battle. You should have seen him step up to face You-Know-Who, I still refuse to say his name, people like him don't deserve a name. Alice, your son has grown up to be a man you should be so proud of, I'm proud of him and even Augusta is too. I know right, Augusta showing human emotion…she had to Alice, Neville's a modern day hero-he sliced that horrible snake straight in half. He's training in Herbology this year with Pomona but then he's going to become an Auror just like you, he came round for tea the other day, they've all got big ambitions him and his friends…kind of like us Allie. Remember?" she took in a sharp breath before releasing the words that she'd wanted to say for a while now.

"We're the only ones left you and me. Remember how close the five of us were? Me and you, Lily and Dorcas and Emmeline, I took you all for granted and I'm so sorry, I'm still taking you for granted now though aren't I, I'll never learn Allie. We thought we were the strangest of girls because we weren't interested in dating until fifth year and all the other girls were wearing makeup and curling their gorgeous long hair and kissing boys and sharing stories. We were so confused and we were teased awfully for it, remember? We used to have fun though, the days where we used to go and sit by the lake and dip our toes in so the squid could tickle them for us and then the Marauders used to come along because James liked to stare at Lily and the rest of them just liked to be outside and to tease him about the way he'd look at her. I often felt quite sorry for him Allie, he used to look so hurt when she'd cut him down to size and the way he used to blush when the others would embarrass him in front of her and I know you did too because you were always friends with him. They worked out though and they were so happy Alice, they were a perfect couple until that horrible night. I don't even like to think about it now.

I was so jealous of the pretty girls Allie, I never said it at the time but I really was. I felt like the ugly duckling all the way through Hogwarts-I was never jealous of you and the girls but you were so gorgeous, Lily had the most amazing hair and all the boys used to stare when she'd walk past, especially James…but it was never James I wanted. Dorcas was like a tiny little nymph and she had all that sandy hair that was completely untameable, she had freckles all over her cheeks and she was so cute. Emmeline was so unique, she was tall and slim and had the longest hair. She had those dark eyes remember that made her look really mysterious and the boys loved her when we were older and we used to tease her because she was their fantasy girl but all she wanted to do was study. And then Allie, there was you, and you're still beautiful now but back then you had this little brown pixie cut and rosy cheeks and the most amazing, genuine smile." Hestia smiled as she recalled the way her friends used to look, Alice now was so far removed from the girl she once was. Her rosy cheeks were now a drawn pale complexion and Hestia reached up to stroke the wispy, white hair that in their younger days was her signature boyish crop, she remembered how Alice used to sit on the floor in one of their dormitories and ask the person sat on the bed to play with it because it relaxed her. "I was just plain Jane though, boring Hestia, with brown hair and a fringe that would never behave. I would have done anything to have gorgeous, bold hair or amazing eyes or a figure that every boy dreamed of and every girl wanted. I'll tell you something Alice, I was amazingly jealous of Marlene McKinnon, I always said I didn't like her but honestly I thought she was so perfect. She had all that shiny blonde hair that was always styled even when she was ill or tired it never looked out of place and hardly anyone had blonde hair in Hogwarts then…it was so rare. And those blue eyes, the way they always shone when someone told her a joke or she was happy-it was so unfair. She was pale like the rest of us but she carried it well and it suited her you know, like it suited Lily. But it wasn't just the way she looked; it was the way she could play Quidditch as well as any of the boys and the way she joked around with her friends. The way she had no limits when she was talking to boys and she was always confident and never shy, she talked about sex like she was talking about breakfast." She laughed remembering the way that she felt about her classmate in her younger years.

"But I was most jealous about the fact it never went unnoticed by Sirius Black. The way they joked around together made me so envious Allie, I wanted to be Marlene sitting on his lap and laughing at his jokes. I wanted to be the one to mess up his hair and afterwards have him chase me around the Gryffindor Common Room. I was Hestia though and I wasn't meant to want to be that girl, I was meant to want to study and find a sensible boyfriend with a sensible job and a sensible family…but I wanted him Allie and I think I always have done. Sometimes I think that's why I wanted Lily to have James so much, I think I wanted to live my dream through her. I wanted at least one of us to have the excitement that the Marauders brought, I wanted to know what it'd really be like, if Sirius would be like I dreamt he would be. And, oh, Alice he would've been. I never wanted to get close to him Alice, I never thought that would happen but it just did when Lily and James got together. He was so friendly, the nights in their dorm were how you properly met Frank and fell in love…they were some of the best nights weren't they? Where we talked and talked, we sat under them blankets and gossiped and dreamt about the future, that's when we decided to join up on one of those nights. Sometimes I wonder if I ever would have done it if it hadn't have been for Sirius, if he hadn't have persuaded me and said he'd keep me safe. Allie, I never pictured falling in love with someone who didn't love me, that was never part of my plan but it happened so fast and I knew I could never have him because Marlene McKinnon would never go away, she was infinite. Then she died. That's when I knew it was real Allie, the day Sirius showed up a sobbing mess because he loved her and she was dead. She was who we were fighting for the perfect girl who seemed unstoppable because she was the first person we'd truly known that had fallen into the clutches of death, I was fighting for a girl I claimed I hated but couldn't help but care about. And then we all seemed to go Alice, you and Frank ended up in here and then it was the Prewett's and the Bones' and Remus disappeared and Mary McDonald went missing too only to be found dead months later. Then Dorcas, dear little Dorcas, she was the first of our five to die and then Lily and James and we thought it was over. But then Sirius was arrested and we all thought Peter was dead but really he was a traitor and years later it started again and this time it was worse…Remus and Sirius and Emmeline all died. Moody's gone and so are so many others, some of them were so young too. There were two little brothers in the Great Hall after the battle Alice, they were so small, tiny. They didn't even look old enough for Hogwarts, let alone to die." Hestia wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her robe.

"God Allie. I'd give anything to be back in Hogwarts and dip my toes in the lake and dance in the dorm and sit in the Marauders' room and pass around a bottle of Firewhiskey on one of those nights. I know it all felt hard back then but we were all together and I wasn't on my own like now. It's so hard to be alone Allie, I hate being alone, everything's so quiet. Everything was easier then, I was worried that Sirius didn't like me and I was desperate to look like Marlene but now they're gone and everyone's gone and I just feel so pathetic Alice. I've changed so much, the war changed me and God I don't know if it was for the better. I want to be naïve Alice, I want to be young, I want my friends" Hestia was sobbing by this point "I'm just so sorry Alice, I need you, it's so selfish but I need you to talk to me and stop me from being alone. I'm so tired of it"

Hestia waited for a response; she knew she wouldn't get one. Alice wasn't really Alice anymore; she was no longer the girl who gave amazing advice about friends and boys. The war had broken her and taken her from Hestia just like the rest of her teenage friends but in that moment she really needed Alice to say something. But the sad smile stayed on Alice's face. Hestia broke down and after leaning down and giving Alice a kiss on the cheek she swiftly walked out of the ward and out of the hospital with tears streaming down her face. She safely made it out of the hospital only to collapse onto the pavement outside after her knees had given way with loud sobs wracking her body and attracting the looks of helpless passers-by, she couldn't control it though because she was Hestia Jones, Daily Prophet Reporter and no longer Hestia Jones, Ravenclaw because Hestia Jones-The Reporter was alone and from her point of view that was the worst thing she could possibly be.


End file.
